Amy . . .

What would you like to know? I am fun, but crazy. I have a most perfect husband, and 2 cats named Samson and Delilah. We are presently working on adopting a little girl from China and have a separate blog for that. I am a Christian and am working on a better relationship with him. I live in the Atlanta area and love sharing stories with people. I am also a pediatric nurse and I love it! I love to talk and meet new people and I love Disney Cruising

Thursday, May 08, 2008

another honest one

HI friends.

Laundry is done. I am back on the Weight Watchers Wagon and have been to the gym 3 times this week.

First of all before you read this post, I am in no way depressed, just want to be honest. Sometimes, I get comments about me being so positive and cheerful and most of the time I am but then there are sometimes when I just feel blah!

Sometimes things just weigh on your heart and your head. You dont know why but everything hits you at one time. Sometimes it what we consider good things and sometimes not so good. Last year I realized it was a year of self-awareness. I learned how to be honest with myself and to really talk to God. I saw things that others saw. It was a cool thing and it continues. I know that God has been working in my heart and will continue to do so. I hope that next year I am a totally different person. Well maybe not totally different, but with less fluff and a bigger heart!!!

My biggest weakness is seeking approval. I have done this all my life. I want my friends, coworkers to like me so I do what I need to do to get them to like me. My parents always felt like I was taken advantage of and I am sure to some degree they were right. That has never bothered me. I think I am smart enough to know better now.I am now 33 and have finally realized that the only approval I need is my Heavenly Father's. That's where my focus needs to be on. I just feel like God is looking down sometimes and is saying " My precious child, You've got it all wrong". Anyone else feel like that? I try to protect those who love me. If I think you are hurting a friend or family member, I tend to act before thinking and I warn you, I am not that nice.

I love my God. I consider myself a Christian, although that title immediately causes judgement from others. I love to read the Bible, but I will honestly say I do not know like I should. I can not quote scripture like a lot of people. I wish I could.

Another weakness of mine is jealousy. Many of you know that, I have talked about it before. Its mostly of people who seem to have it all together. I know in my heart and mind, that no one has it all together. If I could figure out how to just simply focus on myself and not on others, I would probably be a lot healthier mentally. Sometimes I wonder why goood things happen to everyone else and not me. Is it because I am not praying enough? Is it because I haven't done anything to work towards those goals? Mind you, I know that God will grant the desires of my heart. In time. In HIS time. You know whats funny? The wait of our adoption has increased and I am still okay with this. Its the other things in life that have me worrying. Poor hubby. He knows I am stressed and I am not sure he knows what to do with me but to love me. Yeah hubby!

Recently I have been kind of sad about some things. I feel like I have lost some friends and I wondered why. Did I do something wrong, perhaps it was me who wasn't a good enough friend? Its a very hurtful feeling to think I have lost so many friends at once. I really don't like this hurt heart feeling. It really sucks .This is where my coworkers would call me a bit paranoid. I panic over friendships. As much as I desire deeper relationships with others, I have not found time to pursue those. Do you have that problem? A couple of years ago, I found a great friend at work. We are still friends but life has changed. She now has 3 kids and although we talk at work and at email, I miss what we had. I can not let life get in the way of developing friendships. I love getting to know people. I love being real with my friends. I love friends who want to get to know me. What I have loved about some of my friends this year, is they actually have known what I have felt and thats pretty cool.

So I am hoping to be a bit more real with my blog.

Then there was last week. Vacation. With Family. On a Disney Cruise. Simply wonderful. It was sooooo nice to put worries behind me and spend time with the people who made me who I am. I once again realized how loved I am!! Yeah for family!


Hoping I get out of this blah feeling soon. Mind you, I still love life. I love laughing and I still love my job, my dog and my house. I love the blogging community. Many of you I have not met, and you have given me sooo much encouragement. I love my church friends. I look forward to what God has in store for the Christopher family. This past year has rocked. I am sooo thankful for the path He has led us down.

Your blogging friend
Amy

7 comments:

Cristy said...

Great, honest, heartfelt post!

Tina said...

Aww! I really did feel your heart in this post. It takes a lot to basically put it all out there. Thank you for coming out of hiding on my own blog.. I will be thinking of you in your wait... that it you can endure it.. that the time that goes by will be like you soaring with eagle's wings.

I felt myself nodding.. when you talked about friendships.. I miss one of my own friends, we've been best friends for 11 years or so.. But recently she's found new friends (who have kids, a husband that her own can play with) so many times I'm left out of the loop. Wow, we're so human aren't we?

I heard last night "thy lovingkindness is better than (my set of experiences in) life".. God knows you, your intricacies, your desires.. I love that He didn't just wind up the clock and walk way while the time ticked down.

I'll be back to read more..

Special K said...

I miss you so much. Wishing you peace in this time and I hope you continue to find yourself. I hope we get together soon!

sara said...

Amen, sister! Thanks for sharing your heart. I feel like it a lot of the time, but then just don't. WHy, oh WhY? Ladybug Hugs to you!!

Christie O. said...

if you can't be honest on your blog, where can you be honest? that's what i always say when i bear my whole heart on my sleeve on there. :)

i too get paranoid over friendships. i call it "manufacturing craziness" because i sit there and make up all these scenarios in my head about why a friend of mine might be mad at me or something. but it does stink -- for some reason, as i've gotten older and have gotten married, i've lost touch with so many friends who have kind of "moved on". i have a dear friend of mine who hasn't even met my son! and he's two! it kills me every day to think of my "good friends" i am missing so much.

thanks for sharing what's on your mind. lots of us (me) are in the same boat. xo

Michelle said...

Good for you for taking a real look at yourself and making the changes you want! It's so easy to cruise along and not really examine where we could improve and what's been holding us back. I don't believe in God so I can't relate to that part of it but your faith gives you strength, and it's great you can draw on that. I hope you get out of the 'blahs' soon too!

Bella's Mommy said...

Thanks for sharing this post. I too wonder about one of my friends as I have not heard from her in a while even though I have called and left messages. I am afraid I have done something to hurt her feelings and now she is mad at me. I hope we get past this. You seem like a wonderful person and I wish I lived near you so we could be friends.