another honest one

HI friends.

Laundry is done. I am back on the Weight Watchers Wagon and have been to the gym 3 times this week.

First of all before you read this post, I am in no way depressed, just want to be honest. Sometimes, I get comments about me being so positive and cheerful and most of the time I am but then there are sometimes when I just feel blah!

Sometimes things just weigh on your heart and your head. You dont know why but everything hits you at one time. Sometimes it what we consider good things and sometimes not so good. Last year I realized it was a year of self-awareness. I learned how to be honest with myself and to really talk to God. I saw things that others saw. It was a cool thing and it continues. I know that God has been working in my heart and will continue to do so. I hope that next year I am a totally different person. Well maybe not totally different, but with less fluff and a bigger heart!!!

My biggest weakness is seeking approval. I have done this all my life. I want my friends, coworkers to like me so I do what I need to do to get them to like me. My parents always felt like I was taken advantage of and I am sure to some degree they were right. That has never bothered me. I think I am smart enough to know better now.I am now 33 and have finally realized that the only approval I need is my Heavenly Father's. That's where my focus needs to be on. I just feel like God is looking down sometimes and is saying " My precious child, You've got it all wrong". Anyone else feel like that? I try to protect those who love me. If I think you are hurting a friend or family member, I tend to act before thinking and I warn you, I am not that nice.

I love my God. I consider myself a Christian, although that title immediately causes judgement from others. I love to read the Bible, but I will honestly say I do not know like I should. I can not quote scripture like a lot of people. I wish I could.

Another weakness of mine is jealousy. Many of you know that, I have talked about it before. Its mostly of people who seem to have it all together. I know in my heart and mind, that no one has it all together. If I could figure out how to just simply focus on myself and not on others, I would probably be a lot healthier mentally. Sometimes I wonder why goood things happen to everyone else and not me. Is it because I am not praying enough? Is it because I haven't done anything to work towards those goals? Mind you, I know that God will grant the desires of my heart. In time. In HIS time. You know whats funny? The wait of our adoption has increased and I am still okay with this. Its the other things in life that have me worrying. Poor hubby. He knows I am stressed and I am not sure he knows what to do with me but to love me. Yeah hubby!

Recently I have been kind of sad about some things. I feel like I have lost some friends and I wondered why. Did I do something wrong, perhaps it was me who wasn't a good enough friend? Its a very hurtful feeling to think I have lost so many friends at once. I really don't like this hurt heart feeling. It really sucks .This is where my coworkers would call me a bit paranoid. I panic over friendships. As much as I desire deeper relationships with others, I have not found time to pursue those. Do you have that problem? A couple of years ago, I found a great friend at work. We are still friends but life has changed. She now has 3 kids and although we talk at work and at email, I miss what we had. I can not let life get in the way of developing friendships. I love getting to know people. I love being real with my friends. I love friends who want to get to know me. What I have loved about some of my friends this year, is they actually have known what I have felt and thats pretty cool.

So I am hoping to be a bit more real with my blog.

Then there was last week. Vacation. With Family. On a Disney Cruise. Simply wonderful. It was sooooo nice to put worries behind me and spend time with the people who made me who I am. I once again realized how loved I am!! Yeah for family!


Hoping I get out of this blah feeling soon. Mind you, I still love life. I love laughing and I still love my job, my dog and my house. I love the blogging community. Many of you I have not met, and you have given me sooo much encouragement. I love my church friends. I look forward to what God has in store for the Christopher family. This past year has rocked. I am sooo thankful for the path He has led us down.

Your blogging friend
Amy