Life without Lucy the basset hound has started and it is hard. Excuse my language. It sucks. Sunday morning I walked directly upstairs to bed, instead of wandering downstairs. Then I cried. and I kept crying. I kept hoping the tears would stop but oh no, they kept coming and they will for a very long time.
I will share with you what I told Michael. I failed my Lucy. She was sick, and I went to work. I hope she was not sad with me and I hope that she did not suffer. I am glad I was not there, although I am very selfish with my thoughts. I know you will say to me, Amy you can not think that way and but I have to because it is true. She should not have been alone. My first thought was, if I can not keep a dog alive, how am I supposed to be a good mom? That was my first thought. I cant believe I let my wonderful sweet puppy down.
This dog brought smiles to me for 2 1/2 years. She was loved. She was spoiled. Okay, she was really spoiled. I made up words and songs for Lucy. In the morning, she would have to go outside and go "peepers". Perhaps God placed her in our lives just to let us love someone until Miss LynnMarie gets home. I am still at work and fighting the tears as I type this. I do agree with Michael. My heart also says no more dogs, but you never know. If it ever happens again, it will be an awfully long time from now.
Michael tried to get rid of all things that reminded me of Lucy, her food, her bonies and other things but I see her wherever I go and I can not stop thinking of that puppy who would bark and bark until someone would go outside and watch her do "puppy power". She was a smart puppy (even if she was almost 3). She would wait until Michael or I got up and then grab an object and take it out the doggie door and run. She loved a good chase and I am glad we have a fence because the neighbors would have had a good laugh. She loved to take dvds and undergarments outside along with other odd objects. Oh she was funny. Every now and then, the house would be quiet and we would look for Lucy. Lucy would take the clothes off the drier and make a pile and then sleep on them. She was cute. I remember the day we got her. it was a week before our Christmas party in 2005 and it was a Tuesday. We got her from Petland and I held her in my lap on my way home. She was wiggly. Man our life changed after that. You may not know why we got her. One of our favorite free dates was to go to the puppy store and just look at the puppies. We saw Lucy a few times and realized she was getting big. We caved in and almost got her but she was too expensive. the next day, Petland called and said "Come get your dog" and we did.
My heart physically hurts again. Its been hurting for almost 2 weeks due to other people's losses, changes in friendships and things that I worry over. Do I feel guilty? Oh yeah. I let my Lucy down and I can not take it back. I hope I get over these feelings. But joy comes out of sorrow. I know that to be true. But, I am not used to these feelings. I do not like these feelings at all. Its been a crazy emotional month of May.
Yes, Lucy was a dog but if you ever saw me with Lucy, you would know she was also a snugglepuppy. I miss her big paws putting full pressure on my legs. I miss her bark (although I swore I heard this afternoon) I can not believe she is gone. We will have to call the vet and mans best friend and get the rest of her stuff put away. This is odd but I almost don't want to remember her because when I do I cry. I cant even bring myself to look at her pictures. Tomorrow when I go upstairs, she is my screensaver.
The dynamics of the Christopher family have changed. Lucy had a bigger impact on Michael and I than we could have ever realized. Lucy was more than a dog. She really was our family. Almost all decisions we made had to include her. I hope our hearts feel better soon. I hope my guilt goes away. I am thankful we had Lucy in our family.
If you have the puppy power, say hello!!!!
( sung and written by Amy to Lucy daily)