People scare me. I am scared of people. Not all people, just the ones I think are better than me. Was that too honest? I do have a problem. I am way too intimidated by people who seem to have it all together. This intimidation has caused some relationships not to fully develop to their full potential.
Its very sad. Now, the first thing I wanted to write was that I just do not not like myself but a)that's not true and b)that's not nice. One of things I have learned during the past year in Bible Study (Amazing Collection, Beth Moore's Psalms of Ascent) was that God created me in His image before time began. To even fathom "before time began" is craziness. I have learned that no matter how imperfect I am, there is NOTHING I can do that will make Him not love me and that brings more peace than anything.
Now, there are behaviors that I have that I do not like. In fact, I can not stand some of them. I hate being intimidated by people. I do. Makes life far more uncomfortable than it needs to be.
I wish I did not like to eat as much as I do. Because of that, I hate the weight I am. Its not the weight, its the things outside of the weight. You know, the way people look an judge, my risk of health and other stuff. Could go on and on but would be totally depressing.
I have been off work for several days and go back to work tonight an this weekend. Hoping it will be good.
Speaking of work, facebook allowed a precious opportunity yesterday. I spent almost an hour talking to Amber. I mentioned Jason and Amber almost 8 months go. Their daughter Aubrey passed away from a brain tumor about a year ago. It was because if Aubrey, I met her parents. Aubrey will always be a favorite patient of mine. Before Aubrey died, they learned Amber was pregnant. Aubrey's little sister Ava was born full term and still born. This beautiful family lost 2 girls in less than a year. Amber and I were able to chat about and motherhood and it was wonderful, encouraging and helpful. As I told her, God is not finished with that family. Would you mind saying a prayer for them today? So glad I was on facebook at the right time!
Back to me, what I am wondering these days is why am I making bad choices? Seriously, it starts with food. Why do I eat when I know its bad for me? Anyone?
If I know I feel awesome at the gym, why do I not go more?
If I know that I need to do my daily devotions and I feel good afterwards, why am I not doing them daily?
Why do I care soo much about what people think?
It seems like I prefer instant results that make me feel good and I do not think of the results down the road. Perhaps thats it. I do think that most of my problems are totally mental.
Why can I not organize my house? First of all, I have terrible taste. I am a horrible organizer. We have so much to do before LynnMarie comes home and I really have no idea where to start.
Why am I not giving 100% to everything I do? Is it just simple laziness? Because that sucks as an excuse! Is it lack of accountability? Perhaps
Why am I not a better wife? I think everyone can be a better spouse!!!!
To end on a happier note, I am a happy person even though I think too much and that takes away the fun sometime. I have started looking at baby furniture (just looking, not buying, no worries), dreamed about the future and have been able to spend a lot of time with hubby lately. Its all good. I can not believe what an awesome job I have even if some days are really difficult.
Ok, thats me for now. Take it for as it is.
Really I am not in a funk, just wanted to get some things out that I would never tell someone in person.
Amy . . .
What would you like to know? I am fun, but crazy. I have a most perfect husband, and 2 cats named Samson and Delilah. We are presently working on adopting a little girl from China and have a separate blog for that. I am a Christian and am working on a better relationship with him. I live in the Atlanta area and love sharing stories with people. I am also a pediatric nurse and I love it! I love to talk and meet new people and I love Disney Cruising