People scare me. I am scared of people. Not all people, just the ones I think are better than me. Was that too honest? I do have a problem. I am way too intimidated by people who seem to have it all together. This intimidation has caused some relationships not to fully develop to their full potential.
Its very sad. Now, the first thing I wanted to write was that I just do not not like myself but a)that's not true and b)that's not nice. One of things I have learned during the past year in Bible Study (Amazing Collection, Beth Moore's Psalms of Ascent) was that God created me in His image before time began. To even fathom "before time began" is craziness. I have learned that no matter how imperfect I am, there is NOTHING I can do that will make Him not love me and that brings more peace than anything.
Now, there are behaviors that I have that I do not like. In fact, I can not stand some of them. I hate being intimidated by people. I do. Makes life far more uncomfortable than it needs to be.
I wish I did not like to eat as much as I do. Because of that, I hate the weight I am. Its not the weight, its the things outside of the weight. You know, the way people look an judge, my risk of health and other stuff. Could go on and on but would be totally depressing.
I have been off work for several days and go back to work tonight an this weekend. Hoping it will be good.
Speaking of work, facebook allowed a precious opportunity yesterday. I spent almost an hour talking to Amber. I mentioned Jason and Amber almost 8 months go. Their daughter Aubrey passed away from a brain tumor about a year ago. It was because if Aubrey, I met her parents. Aubrey will always be a favorite patient of mine. Before Aubrey died, they learned Amber was pregnant. Aubrey's little sister Ava was born full term and still born. This beautiful family lost 2 girls in less than a year. Amber and I were able to chat about and motherhood and it was wonderful, encouraging and helpful. As I told her, God is not finished with that family. Would you mind saying a prayer for them today? So glad I was on facebook at the right time!
Back to me, what I am wondering these days is why am I making bad choices? Seriously, it starts with food. Why do I eat when I know its bad for me? Anyone?
If I know I feel awesome at the gym, why do I not go more?
If I know that I need to do my daily devotions and I feel good afterwards, why am I not doing them daily?
Why do I care soo much about what people think?
It seems like I prefer instant results that make me feel good and I do not think of the results down the road. Perhaps thats it. I do think that most of my problems are totally mental.
Why can I not organize my house? First of all, I have terrible taste. I am a horrible organizer. We have so much to do before LynnMarie comes home and I really have no idea where to start.
Why am I not giving 100% to everything I do? Is it just simple laziness? Because that sucks as an excuse! Is it lack of accountability? Perhaps
Why am I not a better wife? I think everyone can be a better spouse!!!!
To end on a happier note, I am a happy person even though I think too much and that takes away the fun sometime. I have started looking at baby furniture (just looking, not buying, no worries), dreamed about the future and have been able to spend a lot of time with hubby lately. Its all good. I can not believe what an awesome job I have even if some days are really difficult.
Ok, thats me for now. Take it for as it is.
Really I am not in a funk, just wanted to get some things out that I would never tell someone in person.
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10 comments:
Dear Amy, first off - you are not alone! You and I share so many similarities.
I used to worry about what people thought of me too because so many people seemed to always have it together. Amy, I think the older you get you'll see that people are just people and many of them are acting. Because I have learned that behind closed doors these same people have the same problems we do. And sometimes even more. I've witnessed families fall apart because of adultry, abuse, bankruptcy, etc. And these were all families that had it "together".
I know it's easy for me to say this, but as hard as it might be try to not think to much what people think. Be your self! I know all of us in Blogville love you lots! And I think that's because you share your heart. And I think the more you share with us and let us get to know you (faults and all) the more we can pray for you, encourage you and help you to see that you are not alone! We all have our hang ups and faults. I'm close to perfect, but not quite there. LOL! Totally kidding!
If this makes you feel any better I am sitting here typing this drinking a NOS energy drink and eating a Reese's Whip candy bar. And I'm saying to myself - Amy, when are you going to actually start taking off that weight again? In my case, I am just being lazy. I know how to lose the weight. It comes off slowly, but al least it comes off and not on! And by doing this I am NOT glorifying God.
As far as the house goes...again, I am in the same situation. We are wanting to move to a smaller place and I've decided it's time to get rid of all the junk. I get overwhelmed when I see the mess and the stacks of stuff wherever there is a flat spot! I've said that these things are just things. We can't take it with us, can we? I guess I would suggest taking each room, corner by corner. If you only get a bookshelf cleaned for the day then so be it! It's a start. I so wish I lived closer to you because it would be so much fun to help each other, don't ya think? Cleaning by yourself is NO fun!
I know you know this and I know it, but we both need to stay in His Word daily. I've noticed I spend my free minutes on blogging and Facebook and that again is not glorifying God, which should all be our daily goal!
Girl, I totally get where you are coming from on all accounts. I do and will keep praying for you.
I'm gonna come back in a few days and see how you're doing!
I'll hush with this advice:
1. Even if you makje a bad food choice, don't feel guilty. Just make a healthier one the next time.
2. Keep that beautiful smile on your face when talking and meeting people and remembering that God loves YOU more than anything. And that's really all that matters!
3. Start slowly on your housework. It doesn't have to be all done by this weekend. Go ahead and set a goal and work diligently. See if a friend would be able to help. Also get rid of the junk! We all have it and we don't need any of it. LynnMarie is your motivation. Make it a baby safe home!
4. Try to memorize a verse each week that you can focus on during the rough times. Even if your Bible isn't handy, you will have His Word in your heart. And pray, pray, pray. Talk to God all day long. Let Him know your heart. Total surrender. He knows what's best for us!
Amy, all of this is for me too! I hope you know you are loved by me too and I care about you. Let's help each other out, okay?
Praying for you!
Read my blog today. Seriously.
Because you are human and no human is perfect!
Amy, this is Janie, Rebecca's sister - I identify SOOO much with your blog! Right now I am struggling with myself b/c I lost a ton of weight (nearly a ton, 75 pounds) and have gained a whole lot back. I ask myself exactly the same questions you are asking here. I have no wise words to say except I'm with you sister! Remember, God did create us exactly the way we are, and to him we are beautiful creations, even if we don't know it ourselves a lot of the time. I struggle because I don't want my daughter to grow up with the same hatred of herself that I have. This grown up life is HARD!
I am praying for you today :-)
everyone wants instant results and quick fixes!! I am a terrible organizer and keeper of the house!! That I hate too about me.
I think you're a wonderful person.
Don't be too hard on yourself. There are a lot of people out there who feel the same way but are afraid to admit to it. :-)
Are you reading my journal?
Just wanted to leave you a hug cuz I haven't gotten to do it in person lately!
Amy, you mean to tell me you are HUMAN! Trust me you are not alone. At one point or another we all feel the same and share similar questions. God is so great that he made us different and gave us capacities to solve and or deal with these issues. As someone in another comment said, "We in blogland love you". I agree.
Ok - we need to 'chat'... if everyone was perfect then we would not have anything to learn in life cause we would be perfect... Don't worry to much about the house not being 'perfect', life was meant to be lived and not spent spending every second trying to be organized... I am with you in every sense of the word when it comes to the weight thing... oh... I fell off that wagon... need to get back on it... take care...
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